Dear Voldemort
by LittleNessie12
Summary: Harry writes to various people, the first being Voldemort. Characters a little OOC. Please review! DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN THE HP SERIES!
1. Voldemort, Seriously?

**I got the idea for this from _I Am Not Allowed To _ By The Plot Bunny Whisperer. Please review and tell me whether it's good or not. Thanx!**

**Chapter 1: Voldemort? Seriously?**

Dear Lord Voldemort,

I was thinking, and I came up with a series of queries and comments regarding your name:

1) Why such a mouthful of a title? Voldemort? Seriously? What, 'Bob' wasn't good enough for you?

2) Tom Marvalo Riddle. That was your original name. Wouldn't it have been easier just to have kept it? I mean, I'm sure your Death Eater buds would prefer 'Hey Tommy,' over 'My Lord' any day.

3) Dude, there are so many puns you can come up with using 'Lord Voldemort'. Cartoon Network has the 'Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy' calling you 'Lord Moldybutt.' Embarrassing, right?

4) Nobody's got the guts to say it anymore. 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named'? More like 'He-Who-Has-An-Incredibly-Long-Name-That-Nobody-Will-Say-Cause-They-Think-You'll-Appear-From-The-Sky-And-Kill-Them'! (Again, what's so wrong with 'Bob'?)

Please take these into careful consideration and write back as soon as possible.

Bests,

Harry Potter

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Potter-

My name strikes fear into the hearts of all Wizardkind. You, an insolent boy, DARE to mock it? You must be out of your mind.

-Lord Voldemort

PS: What on Earth is Cartoon Network?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Tommy,

Speaking of minds, would you please give me some tips about keeping yours out of my head? No offense, but watching your joy over blasting people to bits isn't too fun, especially if it's right before an exam or a Quidditch match.

Thanks,

Harry Potter.

PS: Cartoon Network is a Muggle television channel. It is quite fun to watch.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Potter-

If you value your life, you will never address me as 'Tommy' ever again. And I looked at Cartoon Network: I don't see the enjoyment.

Don't write to me again,

Lord Voldemort


	2. Therapy or Bubblewrap

**Thanx to everyone who reviewed: You all rock! _Disclaimer: _Me: Oh Imaginary Ron? Imaginary Ron: Hey, what's up? Me: Wow. You are oodles nicer than Imaginary Hermione. Remind me to use you for future disclaimers. Anyhoo, could you tell these nice little readers that I don't own the Harry Potter series? IR: Sure. LittleNessie12 does not own any part of the Harry Potter series. Me: Thanks Ron!**

**Chapter 2: Therapy...or Bubblewrap**

Dear Riddly-poo,

Due to the fact you sent several people to kill me, sent me cursed Howlers, and are just an all around meany head, I suggest these remedys for your anger.

-Anger Management Therapy. This is a good option. It can help you learn to love yourself and others. But, if you curse/kill the instructor or don't want to waste the Gaeleons, I suggest bubble wrap. It's cheap and is found in most Muggle post offices. You should get a lot of it though; I have a feeling your problems may need more than one little plastic bubble to cure.

-Sugar. Who says candy isn't the best remedy? Chocolate even releases endorphins (aka, Happyfuntime chemicals) into your bloodstream. So, go buy yourself some ten-pound bars of Honeyduke's finest and munch away!

-A girlfriend. This one may be the hardest, as most people don't like guys who a)- Haven't got much of a nose (for that one, try plastic surgery, it works wonders!) b)- likes to kill people and c)- hates love and joy. But there's someone out there for everyone, so search hard!

Hope these help,

Harry

-----0000000000-----

Potter-

Words cannot describe the amount of confusion and anger I feel right now. Maybe I'll go eat some chocolate...Oh no. Supidity's contagious!

I hate you,

Lord Voldemort

PS: Riddly-poo? Did that last cursed Howler addle your brain?

**Please review! **

**Thanx for reading!**

**-LittleNessie12**


	3. Cursed Toasters are Scary

**Enjoy the product of my childish stupidity! _Disclaimer: _I don't own the HP series, trust me, you wouldn't want me to...:)**

**Chapter 3: Cursed Toasters are Scary**

Dear Mr. Malfoy,

I think Voldemort's gone insane. He keeps sending me cursed objects-just last week I got a toaster that blew up half of Griffindor Tower.

St. Mungo's would be the best place to send him, don't you think?

I know it may be hard to get him to go anywhere (considering the fact he has no nose and doesn't like to be seen by most of the Wizarding public), but I'm sure if you grab a few of your Death munching buds and a muzzle, it might help.

Thank you,

Harry J. Potter

PS: Can you tell Draco to stop trying to jinx Hermione in the hallways? It took quite a while to get her teeth back to normal last time.

PPS: Cursed toasters are scary.

-----*****-----

Potter-

I will not be sending The Dark Lord to St. Mungo's anytime, thank you. I hope he kills you soon, actually.

And NEVER MOCK HIM AGAIN.

Lucius Malfoy, Head of Governers at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

-----*****-----

Lucy-Lu,

Like your new nickname? I think it fits quite nicely.

You seem to have quite a loyalty to Riddly-uh, I mean, 'The Dark Lord'. Could this suggest a hint of a romance between you two?

If so, be sure to tell your wife, I'm sure she'd love to hear it.

-Harry

-----*****-----

Potter-

Go straight to hell where you belong, you spawn of Satan.

Lucius Malfoy, Head of Governers at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

-----*****-----

**I know the whole Lucius/Voldemort pairing thing was a little...strange. The idea of Harry irritating the heck out of Malfoy was amusing to me, though, so I went for it.**

**Please Review!**

**-LittleNessie12**


	4. Acrobats

**Enjoy! (Although I don't see why you would, this stuff seems like I got high off something) **

**_Disclaimer: _Me: _Imaginary Harry? _IH: _Hey...You...yelled? _Me: _Yeah. Could you do me a favor and tell the nice people reading this that I don't own the Harry Potter series? _IH: _Erm, I'm kinda busy at the moment..._Me: _With what? _IH: _Plotting world domina- I mean, playing with kittens! Yeah, that's right. _Me: _Just say I don't own the series, and you can go back to the 'kittens'. _IH: _LittleNessie12 doesn't own the Harry Potter series._**

**(And just so you know, the time line for this is Harry's fifth year. Someone asked me when it was, I couldn't remember who.)**

**Chapter 4: Acrobats.**

---((()))---

Dear Hermione,

Hope your having a good Christmas break. (Who wouldn't, being away from Umbridge?)

Ron told me to tell you he's madly in love with you and asked you to marry him.

Cheers,

Harry

---((()))---

Harry-

Did you drink any firewhisky on Christmas? Because I'm pretty sure Ronald isn't in love with me. Or, are you high?

-Hermione

---((()))---

Hermione-

NO I AM MOST CERTAINLY NOT HIGH! Neither did I drink firewhisky. It was wine. That's besides the point though-

Ron is convinced you hate him for eternity and is going to go jump off the nearby bridge. YOU, my bushy haired friend, are going to let your best friend commit suicide. Nice.

If you hurry, you can go catch him before he does it, then you can marry and become acrobats.

-Harry

---((()))---

Harry-

I'm sending you to the Psychiatric Ward at St. Mungo's. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll let you have sugar.

-Hermione

PS: Ottery St. Catchpole doesn't have a bridge nearby, Harry. I've been there before.

---((()))---

Hermoine-

I hate it here. They DO NOT LET ME HAVE SUGAR! Something about 'too much sugar being hazardous to your health'.

I'm going to break out. Do you know where I can get my hands on an army of rabid Acromantulas?

-Harry

---((()))---

**I don't think it was too funny. Oh well. REVIEW!**

**-LittleNessie12**


	5. They Don't Have Cartoon Network!

**_Disclaimer: _People, if I really owned the HP series, do you think I'd be on this site? You decide...**

---((()))---

Ron-

St. Mungo's is lame. They won't let me have sugar, and yesterday, they put me in a padded cell. They don't even have Cartoon Network! Hell, they don't even have a TV!

GET ME OUT OF HERE! Or at least bring me chocolate.

-Harry

---((()))---

Harry-

Sorry, I was coming up with some plans for busting you out of St. Mungo's but Hermione caught me and sent a flock of demon canaries after me. She's a scary woman, mate.

I've enclosed some of Honeyduke's finest in here for you though. Enjoy!

-Ron

PS: Why don't you write to Riddly-poo on how to get out of the Cartoon Network-less padded cell?

---((()))---

Dear Riddly-Poo,

Do you, by any chance, know how to break out of St. Mungo's? I've been stuck here for two weeks because of a certain bushy haired twit (I won't say who) and I'm stumped on how to get out of here.

Thanks,

Harry.

---((()))---

Potter-

I told you to stop writing to me. Ah well. How to get out of St. Mungo's- try blowing things up, always works for me no matter what situation I'm in.

Been taking anger management classes like you suggested- ended up killing four of the instructors. Switched to bubble wrap. Didn't help.

Off to try sugar.

I hate you,

Lord Voldemort

PS: Again with the _Riddly-poo?_ I liked 'Tommy' better.

---((()))--

**I hope this one is funnier that the last. Review. Click on the button and do it, people! **

**Thanks for reading!**

**-LittleNessie12**


	6. Sugar is Evil

**_Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Don't sue._**

---(((0)))---

Dear Tommy,

Happy now? I called you Tommy. This is my good deed for the month.

I broke out of St. Mungo's. Turns out, blowing stuff up DOES work! Who knew?

Sorry to hear the therapy didn't work. Or the bubble wrap.

-Harry

PS: I found another TV channel you might like; the Home Shopping Network. I've already bought my weight in tacky silver jewelry. Don't ask.

---(((0)))---

Potter-

SUGAR IS FUUUUNNNN! WHO'DVE THOUGHT I COULD EVER BE THIS HAAAAAPPPYYY!

I enjoy sugar rushes. I'm considering dropping the whole 'Dark Wizard' thing and opening a candy shop.

Glad to hear you're out of St. Mungo's.

-Voldemort

---(((0)))---

Ron-

On the run from Ministry wizards who want to chuck me back in the padded cell.

Riddly-poo's getting strange. He's all nicey-nice from candy all of a sudden.

I think I liked it better when he wanted to kill me.

Sugar is evil.

-Harry

PS: Do you think if he opens up a candy shop he'll let me have Nagini?

---(((0)))---

Harry-

You're dead on about the sugar thing. I ate my weight in candy the other day and the next 12 hours were a blur.

Glad to know you're out of the padded cell. We await your return at Umbridge-City.

Hermione still won't talk to me after the whole 'planning to get you out of the Cartoon Network-less St. Mungo's' incident. Not that it's a bad thing.

-Ron

PS: Getting Nagini would be cool. Could we make her eat Draco Malfoy?

---(((0)))---

**Review. Please. **

**Sugar is evil.**

**-LittleNessie12**


	7. Charlie the Unicorn or Fred?

**Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series, _should _belong to me, but after all my efforts, JKRowling still owns it.**

**Caution: You won't get this unless you watch two of the most annoying things on YouTube: Fred and Charlie the Unicorn. You have been warned.**

---(((0)))---

Ron-

I'm baaaacckkkk! At Hog- I mean, Umbridge City.

Did I miss anything?

-Harry

PS: We're on a bridge Chaaaarrliieee!

PPS: YouTube is aweshum.

---(((0)))---

Harry-

Glad to have you back, mate. Wait, why are we writing letters when we're in the same castle?

-Ron

PS: Hey it's FREEEEDDDDD!!!

PPS: YouTube rules all.

---(((0)))---

Ron-

We're writing letters 'cause Umbidge banned talking. And fun. And sugar.

So this is how we rebel.

-Harry

PS: Hurray for the collapse of civilization!

PPS: Charlie the Unicorn is dynamite.

---(((0)))---

Harry-

Who says _dynamite _anymore?

We're _rebels! _Nice.

-Ron

PS: 'They better not have tooken my neighborhood squirrels and put them in a dangerous place!'

PPS: Fred beats the pants off Charlie the Unicorn.

---(((0)))---

Ron-

Charlie the Unicorn is _so _much better than Fred! Seriously, who wants to listen to his whiny little voice complain about random things?

-Harry

---(((0)))---

Harry-

Fred has comical value whereas Charlie the Unicorn has creepy adventures that sometimes involves an octopus-armed Rick Astley.

-Ron

PS: Fred dominates.

PPS: Who the bloody hell is Rick Astley anyway?

---(((0)))---

Ron-

Fred's an idiot.

-Harry

PS: Charlie the Unicorn. Watch it.

PPS: I've got no idea who the Astley dude is.

---(((0)))---

-Riddly-poo

We have a dilemma.

Please answer the following;

Which is better? Charlie the Unicorn, or Fred?

Thanks,

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley

---(((0)))---

Potter and Weasley-

Frankly, I don't think either are of consequence.

I like the Potter Puppet Pals.

Especially 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise.'

I kill you guys in that one.

-Lord Voldemort

PS: What did I say about the _Riddly-poo?_

---(((0)))---

**Eh, I don't think it was funny. **

**Review anyway; some ideas on what to write about would be appreciated.**

**Thanx!**

**-LittleNessie12**


	8. Really Big Snake

**Hey...I hope you enjoy this installment of 'Dear Voldemort'. **

**To be honest, I'm actually scared of the crap that I can write. It makes me seem...clinically insane.**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, sure, I'm JKRowling, creator and author of the Harry Potter series. Did I mention I'm also a certified fighter pilot, own a pet orangutan, and play the banjo?**

**_I don't own the Harry Potter series._**

---(((0)))---

Riddly-Poo,

Ron and I have another dilemma.

A certain bushy haired friend of ours (who's name won't be said, but the initials are 'Hermione Granger') keeps sending us Howlers of the non-cursed variety.

Although these ones don't explode like yours did, the screeches of _'Harry Potter, how in God's name can you even consider writing to Dark Wizards!' _and the like has landed Ron and I into detention on several occasions. Frankly, getting my hand sliced open every night by Professor Umbridge isn't my cup of tea.

Therefore, I request to borrow Nagini so she can eat her. Or scare the pants off her, at any rate.

Thanks,

Harry

PS: How are the plans for the candy store going?

PPS: Do you think Lucy-Lu (Lucius Malfoy) would be mad at us if Nagini bit Draco?

---(((0)))---

Potter-

Sure, you can have Nagini for a while. Just don't let her eat any thing too high in salt. Hermione isn't high in salt, is she?

The plans for the candy store failed. Who knew that Dark Wizards aren't allowed to sell candy to children for fear of poisoning them?

Going to become a cattle rancher instead. Then continue my plans for world domination with an army of enchanted cows!

I'll send Nagini to you along with this letter.

Lord Voldemort

PS: I think I'm starting to warm up to Riddly-Poo. Scary thought.

---(((0)))---

Voldy-

Went with a nickname change for old times sake. Still like Riddly-poo better.

Unfortunately, Ron and I's plan, entitled 'Scare the Pants off Hermione With A Really Big Snake', failed, just like the candy shop.

Due to a number of explosions, cave-ins, bitten students, and a spoiled custard tart caused by our actions at Hogwarts, Ron and I are being chucked into the Psychiatric Ward at St. Mungo's.

THEY WON'T LET US HAVE SUGAR!

On a lighter note, we DID cause Draco Malfoy to pee his pants.

Mwahahaha.

The Ministry Wizards also took Nagini. As soon as we get out of the Cartoon Network-less padded cell, I'll bust her out, okay?

-Harry

PS: And if you become a cattle rancher, name one of those enchanted cows Steve.

---(((0)))---

**That my friends, was the product of being cooped up in a car on vacation for twelve hours and being driven to insanity by my mother's road rage.**

**Please review.**


	9. Steve

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series. I've got cake though!**

**---((()))---**

Dear Potter,

As requested, I did name one of those enchanted cows Steve. However, he doesn't like his name and requested it would be changed to Fluffy.

I took the spell off him then. Now he's just a regular cow. A cow that can't talk. Cows that talk are weird. Maybe I'll take that charm off the others...

How are things in the padded cell? Need any help with an escape plan?

-Lord Voldemort.

----((()))----

Riddly-poo,

I SURE AS HELL NEED HELP WITH AN ESCAPE PLAN!

Ron's no help- one of the St. Mungo's people introduced him to his collection of Beatles albums. Not that the Beatles aren't great, but if I have to hear 'Yellow Submarine' again I will kill him.

Exploding thing's doesn't work- who knew there were things such as 'Anti-Exploding Jinxes'? And who was the idiot to put them on stuff in a mental ward?

Anyhow, I need your assistance. Please send plans immediately.

-Harry

PS: Isn't it odd how we're trying to kill each other yet still sending letters?

---((()))---

**Ugh. I know it was incredibly short, but I NEED IDEAS! My sense of humor is apparently on strike. Review if you've got anything good, ok?**

**Thanks. Love ya! (But not in the creepy stalkerish way. Or anything that resembles the creepy stalkerish way.) **

**-LittleNessie12**


	10. THE SNAKE MADE US DO IT!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series. (The cookies and cake have been eaten...*sob*)**

**---(((0)))---**

Dear Mr. Potter & Weasley,

Due to the various awards and services to the school you have received, Professor Dumbledore has decided to not expel you from Hogwarts.

Thank your rarely lucky stars boys, because Professor Umbidge was all for sending you to Azkaban.

After completion of treatment from St. Mungo's, you are welcome back within the walls of the school.

Cordially,

Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

**---((()))---**

Dear Hermione,

As part of our treatment from St. Mungo's we were asked (AKA- forced) to write you and everyone else a letter of apology.

Here it goes.

WE ARE REALLY, _REALLY _SORRY! THE SNAKE _MADE _US DO IT!

Love,

Harry & Ron.

**---(())---**

Harry & Ron,

I cannot believe I am writing this, but I...forgive you.

BUT. If you intend to scare/kill anyone with a snake ever again, I will curse you into oblivion. Or worse, get you expelled.

-Hermione

PS: Nagini can't perform mind control, therefore she couldn't have 'made you do it.'

**---((0))---**

Dear Riddly-poo,

Mwhahahaha.

Faking the whole 'getting better from treatment' was the best advice you have ever given. Maybe I was wrong about the whole 'Anger Management Therapy' thing with you.

We fooled Hermione AND McGonagall. AWE-SOME!

Now, off to free Nagini...

-Harry & Ron

PS: Sorry to hear that Steve was a creeper. Why don't you try the name Marvin?

**---(())---**

**Personally, I think it kinda sucks. Oh well, it's the product of my own insanity, maybe I'm not supposed to like it. **

**Review. Even if you hate it. **

**-LittleNessie12**


	11. Umbridge and Pedophila DON'T MIX!

**Sorry for the lack of updates! This idea just popped into my head and I had to write it. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I'm serious, I'm not JKRowling and I don't own the HP series.**

**

* * *

**

Dear Riddly-Poo,

Umbridge has been eyeing me---not evilly, as usual (if she were, I wouldn't be concerned), but more with a 'come hither' look. It's seriously creeping me out. Do you think she has a thing for pedophilia?

AND, she's been keeping me longer for detention too. She's still slicing my hand open, but instead of 'I must not tell lies' it's 'I must not date anyone.' AWK-WARD!

Ron's still obsessed with Muggle music, but he's discovered the 'joys' of Hip-Hop and R&B. I swear, if 'The Black Eyed Peas' comes on _one _more time, I will shove his wand up where the sun doesn't shine.

-Harry

PS: I saw the Potter Puppet Pals on YouTube. I don't see the enjoyment. It makes me look like the biggest prat ev--- never mind.

---(((0)))---

Potter-

Umbridge is insane, try to stay away from her.

Meanwhile, I attempted the name Marvin on another one of my talking cows. Too bad I didn't figure out it was a girl.

Do you know how to get hoof-marks off your stomach?

-Lord Voldemort

* * *

**Review or I'll get Voldemort to go phsyco on your butts.**

**(Don't deny that you know Umbridge has a secret cruch on Harry. Why else would she give him so many detentions? :)**

**-LN12**


	12. Voldemort Twilight 'Nuff Said

**Disclaimer: Don't own nothin'. :)**

**Don't hurt me, but...Harry's discovered Twilight. Mwhahaha. **

Dear Riddly-cakes,

Just discovered an intersting read.

Before you ask, Hermione didn't reccomend it to me. Seriosuly, all that woman reads is _'Hogwarts, A History' _(which she has _memorized) _and our schoolbooks.

Ron hates it. Something about a fear of vampires. He's such a baby.

Anyway, I'm sending the book with this letter. It's called _'Twilight'. _

Enjoy!

-Harry Potter

--------

Potter--

Read Twilight......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

.....................................................................................................................................WHY?!?! WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS ACCURSED BOOK!!!! I MUST GO PRY MY EYES OUT WITH A SPORK!!! _VAMPIRE ROMANCE!!! _Gah...I think my corneas have burned out.

--Lord Voldemort

PS: Riddly-cakes? Are you high off something...?---Wait, the answer to that is probably yes.

---------

**Gah...That'ss all I can think of...and it sucks. Horribly. Whatever...review, and PLEASE, for the love of all things sacred, give me an idea or two!!!**

**Sorry...I just have massive writer's block with this story. **

**-LN12**


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